Run with It
by SophieB
Summary: Two idiots. One drunken night. The conception of an idiotic love.
1. One Drunken Night

Katsura woke feeling disoriented. It took him a moment to realize where he was and another moment to realize he was naked. Yet another moment and he remembered why he was naked. He pulled the bed covers up high to his chin.

A door across the room opened. He felt nauseated suddenly. Out of the bathroom stepped Katsura's worst nightmare. _Oh no. Not him_, Katsura thought in panic. It was just as he'd feared.

"Um, hey…," said the hulking slab of traitorous gorilla meat otherwise known as Kondou Isao, Commander of the Shinsengumi.

"…." Katsura blinked up at him having momentarily gone rigid with horror.

"The bathroom's free if you want to wash up," continued Kondou, stepping away from the doorway. Thankfully he was fully clothed in his usual Shinsengumi uniform sans the officer's coat and cravat. The additional trauma of seeing Kondou walk out naked might have finished Katsura.

"Turn around," said the young jouishishi.

"What?"

"I said turn around." Katsura made sure his tone was evocative of the deeply unpleasant emotion he was experiencing. He knew it was already too late for modesty, and they were men – men who had seen each other in the nude plenty of times in the past under different circumstances. However, now it all felt so very indecent.

"Um, okay," said Kondou, looking at Katsura like he thought the jouishishi was nuts before obliging him.

Katsura made a dash for the bathroom, throwing the sheet to the floor and grabbing what he hoped were his clothes from the ground on the way. He slammed the door shut behind him. He set his clothes down on the counter and stared himself down in the small mirror provided on the wall.

How could this happen? _How could I let this happen?_

The things he'd let Kondou do to him last night… he wanted to cry. He also felt like hurling, but he wasn't sure if it was from disgust or his hangover coming into play.

He looked awful, his face a little drawn with bags under his eyes from dehydration and alcohol. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop his eyes from seeking out the dark pinkish purple bruises on his neck and shoulder and chest and… he didn't care to explore any further than that.

While Katsura was busy mourning his recently departed innocence, the door opened and Kondou walked in.

Katsura quickly grabbed his clothes and held them in front of him, turning around to face the other man, his back to the counter.

"What are you doing!" he said in outrage.

"I just wanted to check on you. You weren't making any noise so I got worried." Kondou's voice was calm as he held out a hand in front of him.

"It's none of your concern. Get out!" said Katsura. _What's up with this guy, _wondered the jouishishi. Just because they'd slept together once, he thought he could nose into Katsura's business?

"It's alright. I know what this is. You're panicking," said Kondou. He didn't leave but, rather, took a step closer, moving slowly like he was approaching a wounded wildcat.

Katsura tried to retreat further, but the counter's edge was already digging into the small of his back.

"I've seen this before. It's going to be okay…," Kondou continued gently. Now both hands were out in front of him in what Katsura assumed was supposed to be a quelling gesture.

"Like hell," said Katsura. What did the Gorilla mean he'd 'seen this before'? Some of Katsura's trauma faded to annoyance. So, what? He was just another in a long line of victims? Exactly how many people had woken up to find this drunken mistake waiting for them?

"Everyone panics a little in the beginning," said Kondou. "But it'll get better, I promise…."

"I'm not panicking!" said Katsura. Maybe he had been, but now he was just pissed off. With Kondou and with himself. What had he been thinking? It wasn't like he'd even been drunk enough not to remember it. But apparently he'd been drunk enough to get into bed with this gorilla. And what was the Gorilla doing, taking advantage of him like that? Wasn't he supposed to be some kind of _police officer_?

"I can't believe you!" said Katsura, deciding to run with the idea. "I can't believe you did those things to me, and you don't feel guilty at all!" The newfound indignation was burning him up inside, further fueling his rage.

"Can you please stop acting like I forced you?" said Kondou sounding much too reasonable.

"You might as well have... taking advantage of a drunk person, humph!"

"I was drunk too! And you were the one who dragged me to this room. I definitely did not take advantage. I wasn't even the one who decided who was gonna fuck who!"

Katsura's face flushed. "Liar! I did not!" he said despite the feeling that Kondou's account sounded depressingly familiar.

"We had a good time; you don't have to be so horrified."

"I do have to!" said Katsura. "There's no way I wouldn't be!"

"At least you're not denying you enjoyed it," sighed Kondou.

"That… was already implied!" said Katsura defensively. "I don't have to deny it!"

"Look, I just came to see if you're alright."

"Of course I'm not alright, you idiot!" said Katsura. "Who would be! After doing such _things_ with a gorilla. It's practically bestiality."

"You sound alright to me," muttered Kondou, frowning. "You're certainly not cowering in a corner, crying, are you."

Katsura grit his teeth. "Who do you think I am? A Leader of the Joui rebellion wouldn't let his enemy see him in such a state."

"I don't know…," said Kondou. "I'm pretty sure I saw a few tears last night."

"You…," hissed Katsura before hurling the clothes in his hand at Kondou's head, too angry to care that his actions left him completely exposed. It didn't have the effect Katsura desired – namely decapitation – leaving him even angrier. _Time for an assassination_, he decided, his hands clenching into fists at his side.

He dashed forward and before Kondou even knew what hit him, the Gorilla was on his back with Katsura sitting on his chest, Katsura's noble little hands wrapped tightly around Kondou's thick gorilla neck. They were getting tighter by the second.

"Gah," said Kondou.

"Just DIE!" said Katsura, his thumbs digging deeper into Kondou's throat and pressing against his trachea.

Kondou didn't seem to want to. He was being very uncooperative, writhing and pulling at Katsura's wrists. Finally, he grunted and rolled his large body to the side with all his effort. Katsura was thrown off, the sudden loss of balance causing him to let go of his target's neck.

He fell on his back on the bathroom floor and banged his head against the tiles. He could hear Kondou coughing somewhere. He groaned and pinched his eyes shut. When he opened them again, Kondou was kneeling over him, a look of concern on his stupid not-asphyxiated face. Katsura could see the circumferential bruise already forming on Kondou's throat. He left out a short derisive breath.

"Are you okay?" the Gorilla asked, his voice still a little hoarse.

"You… you bastard," Katsura groaned. "You could have killed me!"

"Uh, I was the one being killed."

"What if I have brain damage?!" Katsura continued.

"If anything I'm the one with brain damage. You were strangling me to death." Kondou offered Katsura his hand to help the jouishishi right himself.

"Your brain was damaged to start with! You can afford a little more," said Katsura seriously. He took Kondou's help and sat up. He rubbed at the back of his head where a small bump was forming. "But _I _can't! I actually use mine. A lot!"

Kondou sighed. "Here, let me see." He reached out a hand toward Katsura's head.

"Don't you touch me… you… you… pervert!" said Katsura, shrinking back from the other man, momentarily regaining some of his modesty now that he'd calmed down.

Kondou sighed again. "Fine. I'll go wait outside. Get dressed. I'll buy you breakfast."

"You think breakfast will make up for this? Do you buy off all your victims with breakfast?"

"Well, it usually helps," said Kondou, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"I can't believe the level of corruption in this town. Oh how wonderfully we're prospering under the so called care of this unjust Shogunate. Even cops are bribing people in Edo now."

"It's not a bribe. It's breakfast," said Kondou, a hand going to his face. "It's not going to be the downfall of the country, I promise."

"The country can't fall any lower than it is now under the Amanto riddled Bakufu's tyranny," said Katsura.

"Okay, I get it, I get it. Bakufu bad. Joui good," said Kondou. "Breakfast?"

"Spoken like a true gorilla. I suppose it is the least you could do," muttered Katsura. He wasn't one to turn down a free meal, and by his account, this was only the beginning of what Kondou owed him. "It's only fitting that your stolen wages should come back around to citizens like me who are signing your paycheck so you can go on oppressing us in comfort."

"Oi, I'm not oppressing anyone," said Kondou. "You don't even pay taxes!"

"I would if I wasn't so oppressed and penniless at the hands of the Bakufu and their economic policies!" said Katsura. "You tax thieving rich folk can never understand the struggles of a patriot like me."

"…Can we just go to breakfast?" said Kondou, holding out Katsura's clothes.

Katsura narrowed his eyes at him and raised his chin in victory. "Fine." He snatched the garments from Kondou and glared at him until he was out the door.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. If you know of any other story out there with this pairing (Kondou/Katsura, Kondou/Zurako), please let me know. It's like a desert out there for Kon/Kat lovers like me. I have to write my own if I want to read it, which is no fun because I suck at writing and am not creative. :( Reading a good Kondou/Katsura story is my only fanfiction wish.


	2. One Unfortunate Morning

**Thank yous**: **anon, **I love Katsura uke pairings too. He's just fun to write like that. Thanks for the review! **Imogene Hemlock**, I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a long review! I've never seen this pairing before either (in fanfiction, there's a few in fanart), which is why I'm writing it. I love it but no one writes it, so I have to write it for myself. If you write about them I will be first in line to read and review! As for their interaction in the show… bear with me, I will write it out because I am obsessed orz.

Their 'Warts' had an affair and a baby (gorilla) together. They got amnesia, became best friends, and started a band together in the Goukon episode. They interacted in the Kabukichou Stray Cats arc (lol, Kondou says he doesn't care that Katsura's a criminal, he's just glad to find someone he knows). They apparently quarrel a lot online with each other partly because they share very similar screen names (fruits punch samurai and fruits chinpo samurai). They're always running into each other by accident, like in the barber shop arc. They battled each other playing dating sims in the video game arc where Katsura taught Kondou about love. They formed an old man truce under the will-sapping kotatsu. They worked together in the cattle mutilation/screwdrivers arc. And I don't know if you've seen the second movie so I won't spoiler you but they interact pretty closely in that as well. There are a few other little moments here and there (but I will take what I can get!).

I'm glad you liked the story. Lol, I like all your ideas, I wish I was talented enough to write them. Alas, I think I'll probably disappoint; I'm not really a writer (though my harddrive is filled with unfinished Kondou/Katsura stories). Kondou definitely hasn't given up on Otae, he will still stalk her, but he's gotten used to wanting her and not having her. Lol, yes, I think there's definitely going to be Katsura jealousy. Thanks again for the review and encouragement.

**A/N****: ** This is probably overly-drawn out. It's mostly just a filler chapter. I felt like writing from Kondou's POV. Next one is better hopefully.

* * *

Kondou stared down at the warm body lying next to him.

The warm naked body.

The warm naked MALE body.

_Don't forget terrorist_, his conscience reminded him.

"Fuck." He rubbed a hand over his tired face. _Time to get up._

Quietly he slid out of the bed, managing to leave Katsura undisturbed. The jouishishi sure was taking it easy, sleeping so peacefully, not a care in the world.

Kondou stood naked by the bedside for a moment. What should he do now? Besides go cry onto his Vice-Commander Toshi's shoulder, what should he do? The sun's morning rays shone through the blinds on the hotel room's window, glinting off the sleeping jouishishi's dark hair.

Well, it wasn't so bad. He had to think about this positively, Kondou decided. He'd enjoyed himself. Katsura had enjoyed himself. They were adults. No harm, no foul.

Shit like this happened to drunk people all the time! Hadn't he heard Harada or Nagakura or someone say they'd once woken up in bed with a Jargops from the planet Glug? A Jargops! That was pretty much a fish. _This_ was nothing. At least Katsura was human.

_But still… a terrorist? _His conscience seemed intent on this bit of information.

"Yeah, but he's not as bad as Takasugi!" See, positive. He could do this. He'd pull through.

He looked down at the jouishishi once more. The young man was lying on his stomach, his face turned toward Kondou, his cheek resting against the pillow. Sunrays warmed the soft features of his face. Kondou got the sudden urge to run his fingers through Katsura's long black hair. He could still remember the way those silk smooth tresses felt in his fist.

He really had enjoyed himself. A lot. He sighed. _Better get dressed._ Maybe he could just sneak out and not have to face Katsura. Yes, that's what he'd do.

He sighed again. That wouldn't be very gentlemanly of him. What would Otae-san say if she knew he'd done that kind of thing? He had to remain a man worthy of Otae's love. At his convenience he ignored the fact that a man who gets drunk when he's supposed to be on guard duty and fucks his enemy who happens to be a terrorist was probably not a worthy man in the first place. He slipped on his underwear, trousers, and shirt. He picked up the rest of his uniform off the floor and set it down over the back of a chair that was sitting in the corner.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he looked over at his one night companion. Katsura looked pretty innocent asleep. You'd never know he was a terrorist. Kondou reached out and lightly pet Katsura's head, letting his fingers thread through Katsura's hair. Just as soft as he remembered from last night.

Damn, but last night was fun. He hadn't done that sort of thing in a while. A long while. A year? Maybe more. _And never with a GUY_. He flinched.

Why his conscience had to pick at the little details NOW, he didn't know. He wasn't exactly known for being a detail oriented kind of guy. He was more of big picture person. The big picture here was he'd gotten excellently fucked last night; did he really need to think about anything else? Otae's beautiful, sweetly malevolent mug popped unbidden into his head. His conscience really had it out for him today, he thought as a little bud of guilt slowly began to blossom.

He'd been doing so well too. He'd been saving himself for Otae-san. He did that from time to time until his libido would get the better of him and he'd inevitably mess up and have to start over again. This past interval was probably his longest, but now he'd ruined it. He really thought he should feel a little worse about this situation.

But it had just felt so _good._ And it had been over a _year. _It was hard to be upset about something he'd enjoyed that much. And Katsura was such an enthusiastically receptive comeback lay, it kind of stroked Kondou's ego.

He'd been pretty surprised when Katsura drunkenly approached him. He had noticed the jouishishi earlier in the evening, drinking and cavorting with the Yorozuya and his friends. He didn't pay it much mind though. He wasn't on duty, so he didn't feel the need to do anything and Katsura quickly slipped from his mind. Kondou's sole purpose was to make sure nothing happened to his lovely Otae who had joined in the revelry. Some people liked to call it 'Stalking', but those were people who didn't understand the intense bond he and Otae shared.

Accordingly he sat inconspicuously at the end of the bar, observing the room. It seemed Kyuubei-san, Otae's _other_ and allegedly less stalkerish protector who also happened to be obscenely wealthy, was buying. For the whole house.

_It won't hurt to have one or two_, he'd thought at the time. He could still guard Otae-san while enjoying himself. He didn't know what number drink he'd been on when he got punched in the gut for strolling over and boldly grabbing one of Otae-san's cute little ass cheeks. And that was from Kyuubei. He didn't even want to think about what _Otae-san_ had done to him. He'd survived it, and through the pain, he still stuck around, slinking back to the bar and moping while he drowned his sorrows in more of what had caused the problem in the first place.

After that, he was too drunk to think about the consequences when Katsura had shown up in full flirt, taken his hand, and led him out of the bar and across the street.

His hand moved down to Katsura's neck, feeling the throb of Katsura's pulse hot against his fingers. He should probably stop touching the sleeping jouishishi now.

They'd ended up at a hotel, and Kondou had paid for the room. He'd been too drunk to defend himself when Katsura had slammed him up against the hotel room door and started kissing him. And he'd definitely been too drunk to say 'no' when Katsura had murmured into his ear, '_Fuck me,_' before sinking down onto his knees before Kondou. He was _not_ too drunk to actually do it. And so he had.

Was it bad that he wanted to do it again?

His hand travelled lower down under the covers to Katsura's shoulders, playing over Katsura's soft, warm skin. His hand followed the dip of Katsura's spine until it hit the small of Katsura's back. He could feel the very beginnings of a gentle rise under his palm. He swallowed, not daring to move down any further.

It was strange. He knew how it felt to be inside Katsura (it felt good). It was so weird that he had such knowledge. Weird that he could say he knew what Katsura tasted like, the sounds Katsura made when he came, the feel of Katsura's mouth on his cock. The fact that he wanted to further that knowledge was also very weird.

He should really stop touching this guy.

He pulled his hand away to safety, though unable to hold back the disappointment of not getting to grope that beautiful round backside. He could judge considering the view he got of it last night.

Kondou stifled a groan of self-disgust. Not thinking about this didn't look like it would be an option for him anytime soon. At least he wouldn't be lacking in things to jerk off to for a while. Just the thought of Katsura calling his name mid climax was enough to get him hard.

And yep. He was hard. _Damn it_, thought Kondou. Luckily, this was one problem he had plenty of expertise in handling. He hurried to the bathroom.

When he came back out again feeling a lot calmer and refreshed, he saw that Katsura was up. It looked like the young man had just awoken; he was staring glassily at Kondou, who had frozen in the doorway.

_Should I say something?_ Kondou wondered. He cleared his throat.

"The bathroom's free," he offered. "If you want to wash up?"

The look Katsura gave him was tremendous for such a sleepy, naked guy with his long hair a mess and his covers pulled up high. _That won't help, I've seen it already_, thought Kondou, feeling a little annoyed.

"Turn around."

"What?" Kondou shook his head in confusion. _But that won't help you either_. _I've seen it all. I've _touched_ it. _Inside and out.

"I said turn around." Katsura made it sound like he was telling Kondou to kneel for an execution. Cold and uncompromising. _Like death_, thought Kondou dramatically. He was pretty good by now at sensing when people wanted him to drop off the face of the earth.

"Okay." Skeptical as he was, he complied with the jouishishi's wishes and turned to face away.

Once Katsura was safely shut in the bathroom Kondou had himself a seat on the bed facing the bathroom door. Would it be bad if he just got up and left right now?

Katsura had seemed pretty pissed off. Kondou didn't really want to face that more than he had to. He hadn't technically said he'd stick around until the Jouishishi came back. But maybe leaving would just make Katsura even angrier? Kondou didn't think he'd like it much if someone did that to him. Apart from being a coward, Kondou liked to think of himself as a pretty good guy, not someone who would quietly abandon a one night stand for his own convenience.

He couldn't leave Katsura in the state he'd last seen him. What if the poor guy was traumatized or something? It wouldn't be the first time Kondou had traumatized a sex partner by just being _him_. It had been a while since he'd last done the whole casual sex thing, but back when he was partaking, this sort of thing actually happened quite a lot.

Of course all those had been petite women with Otae-san's build and none of her monstrous strength, so he didn't exactly have to fear for his life when they got angry over the fact that they'd made the poor decision to sleep with him. The most they could do was throw something heavy at him. He'd become very good at dodging projectiles. Katsura was a whole different story though. Katsura was his enemy and a man and a criminal – a known violent offender. If Katsura decided he wanted to do damage he could very well do a lot of it.

God, why didn't he just stick with prostitutes? Getting drunk and sleeping with other drunk people led to nothing but trouble and heartache. And he wasn't the kind of sensitive, smooth guy who could easily deal with that sort of thing. No matter what he did or said, he tended to make people angry.

Well, for an angry person, Katsura sure was quiet. It occurred to Kondou that maybe Katsura had been more traumatized than he suspected. What if the jouishishi had passed out? Or was sobbing, huddled in the bathtub or something? Or contemplating suicide? Katsura was tough, but there had been vulnerability it the young jouishishi's eyes this morning under all that outrage. Sleeping with Kondou could reduce anyone to tears, the Shinsengumi Commander had found throughout the years.

_Maybe,_ Kondou pondered, _I should go check on him…?_ It couldn't hurt to make sure.

Kondou walked over and knocked lightly on the door. No response. No noise. He frowned. That wasn't a good sign.

He tried the door handle. It turned easily in his hand. Unlocked. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

Katsura was standing there, still naked, staring at the mirror. He looked like he might be in a trance or something. Kondou stepped into the room and finally Katsura seemed to notice him.

The young man swung around to face him, once again pointlessly trying to hide himself, this time with his bunched up pile of clothes.

The look on Katsura's face reminded Kondou of a rabbit he'd seen just before he'd hit it with his patrol car. He'd felt horrible then, spent _weeks_ feeling guilt ridden, spent _half_ his salary on wildlife charities, spent _hours _trying to earn back some good karma at the neighborhood shrine. He felt no less horrible now, even knowing he probably hadn't done anything wrong.

"What are you doing!" Katsura screamed at him, outrage masking his utter _terror_.

_Is it really that bad? Sleeping with a guy like me?_ Kondou wondered. What was done was done. All he could do was try to be a little understanding and caring now.

He tried to explain that to Katsura, but the Jouishishi wasn't having it.

""It's none of your concern. Get out!" said Katsura.

None of his concern? Really? Kondou wasn't going to settle for that when was feeling SO. DAMN. GUILTY. He tried to calm the jouishishi down. It was obvious Katsura was in panic mode. His eyes were a little wild and his face had gone pink in either embarrassment or anger.

When Kondou tried to approach him it looked like the younger man was ready to claw his way through the countertop to get away. Kondou stopped. Maybe it was better if he kept his distance for now. He kept his voice low and soothing as he tried to explain to Katsura that things would be alright. Kondou was glad to see that it seemed to be working as Katsura's shoulders lost some of their tension and his expression switched to something less flighty and closer to his normal righteous indignation.

"I can't believe you!" said Katsura. "I can't believe you did those things to me, and you don't feel guilty at all!"

Obviously ridiculous as that accusation was, considering that the weight of Kondou's guilt was the only thing anchoring him to this spot, he decided to ignore it for the most part. Still, as gracious as he tried to be, he could feel a little of his own indignation begin to stir.

The jouishishi's insistence that he'd been wronged was picking away at the parts of Kondou that actually felt bad. It wasn't like he'd _raped_ the idiot, so why did Katsura need to make him sound like the bad guy. There didn't need to be a bad guy here; this wasn't a crime. Kondou wasn't even sure it had been a mistake though Katsura was trying his hardest to convince him otherwise. It seemed there was no better cure for Kondou's guilt than Katsura's utter obnoxiousness.

By the time Katsura started denying his part in all this and expounding on his absolute _disgust_, Kondou had had just about enough. And when Katsura called him a gorilla, that was the last straw.

"It's practically bestiality," Katsura declared.

"You sound alright to me. You're certainly not cowering in a corner, crying, are you," muttered Kondou, tone a little more harsh than he'd meant. Katsura's words hurt. Kondou better than anyone knew that sleeping with a gorilla like him wasn't anything to brag about. But Katsura was just being cruel.

It would be one thing if the sex had been awful, but this was not fair. Katsura was acting like it was the absolute worst thing to happen in all of history when Kondou knew, absolutely knew, that Katsura'd had a good time last night. He would even venture that Katsura had a great time. There was no faking the kind of noises the jouishishi had been making. He sighed. When had this good will mission turned into an ambush?

"Humph, who do you think I am?" Katsura continued in that stuck up voice Kondou had often heard him use. "A Leader of the Joui rebellion wouldn't let his enemy see him in such a state."

"I don't know… I'm pretty sure I saw a few tears last night."

He had to admit it was a little petty on his part to provoke Katsura. He'd known it would. The jouishishi was clearly not ready to confront the raw facts of what they'd done together last night. Kondou found Katsura's sudden deep blush very gratifying. And kind of cute too. Just as those desperate tears of pleasure had been last night.

"You…."

Oh… he didn't like that look in Katsura's eyes. The jouishishi was glowering at him and he could make out a faint full body tremor that did not bode well for his or Katsura's imminent health. Katsura reached back and hurled his clothes at Kondou's head. He sputtered as they hit him in the face before falling to the floor at his feet. Well at least Katsura seemed to have gotten over his shyness.

The young Joui leader was overreacting; there was really nothing to feel so ashamed about. Kondou himself had let a few tears of effort drop last night. He was about to say so, but Katsura didn't give him the chance.

"OOOAAAAHHHH!" Katsura yelled in rage, and in two seconds he was upon Kondou.

_This! This was exactly what I wanted to avoid!_ thought Kondou as he tried to pull the jouishishi's hands away from his neck. He could see black spots bloom in his visual field and feel his thoughts starting to tingle. Could thoughts tingle? Well something was tingling as he tried his best to stay conscious.

Katsura was yelling something at Kondou through the deep throbbing sound of blood pumping through his ears. Something like 'die', which made sense because that was probably what Kondou was about to do. His only hope would be to overpower the more petite man. He let go of Katsura's hands and put every ounce of his effort into rolling them both over.

Kondou found himself free as he fell onto his hands and knees and gasped for breath, coughing in between. He could hear Katsura groaning and looked up to see the jouishishi lying on his back not far from him. He crawled over to the young man.

"Are you okay?" he rasped out. Concern tickled at his heart as he observed Katsura who looked to be in some pain. He could feel his earlier compassion return and along with it the guilt.

"You… you bastard," Katsura groaned. "You could have killed me!"

Kondou's newly returned sympathy diminished slightly as Katsura accused him of attempted murder. Nevertheless, he helped Katsura sit up even as the younger man berated him. Poor guy, didn't seem to know what to do with himself. He reached up to check this 'mortal wound' that had Katsura so riled up but was met with a hiss of warning as Katsura curled away from his hand like a scared stray cat.

'Pervert,' Katsura had called him. As true as that was, he was just trying to help. His perverted thoughts were secondary to his good will. Too bad Katsura couldn't seem to appreciate it.

Even Kondou's offer of breakfast was summarily dismissed as a 'bribe'. In return Katsura leveled more accusations at him and declared himself officially Kondou's unlucky victim.

Katsura was just too confusing. Kondou couldn't tell what the jouishishi wanted him to do. Funny, considering how very direct the young man had been last night about his desires. He'd had no problem fulfilling all of Katsura's wishes then. Either Katsura had forgotten about that or had chosen to ignore it. Kondou sighed. For someone who claimed to have a head injury, Katsura was talking an awful lot and with a great deal of zeal.

As he watched the young jouishishi spout off accusation after accusation convicting first Kondou and then moving on to the government, he couldn't help but wonder if this was some kind of defense mechanism for Katsura.

Like… Katsura didn't know how to deal with the fact that he'd let Kondou fuck him and enjoyed it, so he was corralling the conversation off a whole different tangent, to an issue on which his feelings were clear. Katsura's hatred of the Bakufu was nearly writ in stone after all, so it provided a fine foundation on which to steady his psyche.

Kondou wondered for a second exactly how he himself was managing to deal with all this. Maybe because he was just that big of a pervert? Yes, he'd gotten annoyed a few times, but in the end he was still sitting here, willingly dealing with this man.

Was he just that shameless, that he had no problem admitting to himself that despite him being a man, despite him being a terrorist, despite having almost been murdered by him, Kondou was still pretty hot for Katsura right now? And in fact wanted to shut him up in the most perverted ways possible?

He drew his gaze over Katsura's naked body, stopping to note each and every bruise, every mark he'd made. The sight made a lump form in his throat. There were a lot of them and ALL over.

Katsura didn't seem to notice his gaze. The younger man obviously had no clue what he was doing to Kondou.

Kondou decided he wasn't going to take the attempted assassination too seriously. He knew Katsura well enough to know that if he wanted to kill someone, he'd do it easily enough. This had been little more than a love tap.

It was actually kind of twistedly cute, this little deadly tantrum Katsura had thrown. And now that he'd gotten that out of his system, the jouishishi did seem to be a little more docile, if still obnoxiously opinionated. But that was okay, Kondou was used to being around obnoxious assholes. There were plenty amongst the men of the Shinsengumi and then there was that Yorozuya bastard and the Mimawarigumi, not to mention Matsudaira tottsan and his friends. Katsura's obnoxiousness was comparatively mild.

Katsura continued to rant, with Kondou giving appropriate replies every now and then, but mostly the older man just watched as the young zealot sat naked on the bathroom floor, working himself up into a fanatical anti-establishment frenzy.

Thinking about it now, it was probably one of the things he liked about Katsura. Katsura had been just this riled up last night too and that had been nice. Whatever else Katsura might be, the man was passionate – in work and in play. His passion didn't make him any less confusing though.

Oh, now he was talking about taxes. What the hell? What was even going on in the jouishishi's pretty little bruised head? Maybe he had gotten brain damage after all? But Kondou knew Katsura well enough to know that this was just him. They were consistent enough enemies to have that kind of intimate knowledge about each other. So Kondou knew… Katsura was crazy, basically.

Well, yes, everyone knew that. Katsura was eccentric. But Kondou hadn't been sure it wasn't all an act until right now. But no, Katsura really was nuts.

And Kondou was just demented enough to still want to fuck him. It was amazing how much more appealing a person could be when sex entered the realm of possible interactions.

He did his best to sooth the obviously suffering (and insufferable) Joui rebel. Katsura had a peculiar way of making it seem like he needed to be taken care of (_I'm the one who was almost strangled and _Katsura_ needs to be taken care of?_ he thought wryly).

Kondou knew this was an illusion, Katsura was perfectly capable of managing on his own and his vulnerability was superficial at best. He wasn't even certain Katsura actually had any real feelings; his face certainly never betrayed any apart from anger and smugness. Even if he had feelings, Kondou was pretty sure Katsura was the kind of guy who could turn it off and on like a switch. But still, even the mere appearance of vulnerability touched Kondou's heart and he felt the urge to look after his young terrorist protégé.

To Katsura's credit, he didn't continue on his tirade for too much longer. "Fine," he said taking pity on Kondou when he asked pleadingly, "Can we just go to breakfast?"

Kondou handed the young man his clothes and went to wait outside. This was progress. Everything would be better after breakfast, he decided optimistically.


	3. Breakfast on the Varanda

**A/N: **This chapter is not too exciting. Next chapter has Gintoki, so hopefully it's better.

I think my Katsura is a little too self-conscious. I've written him a little too normal or something. I honestly don't know what to do with him.

Anybody read the latest manga chapters? There has to be some more Kondou/Katsura out there by now with that kind of inspiration. If you know of any konzura, please let me know. I'm dying here. :(

Thanks all for your kind comments and favorites and follows and just reading in general. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

As promised, Kondou was waiting for him outside. Katsura couldn't say he was happy about that, but at the same time there was a certain contentment in knowing he hadn't been rudely abandoned on top of being rudely copulated with. Maybe even gorillas had their own code of honor and decency.

Side by side they started down the mostly empty late morning street. Kondou opened his mouth to speak to Katsura three times during the journey. Luckily, each time Katsura caught him and put a stop to it with a quiet glare full of deadly promise. Kondou, with uncharacteristically good judgment, abided by Katsura's wishes, and they walked the few blocks to the restaurant in blessed silence.

Still, Kondou was walking much too close to him, close enough that once in a while their hands brushed, each time driving a shiver of revulsion and shock up Katsura's spine (the gorilla generated a lot of static electricity it would seem; no wonder his hair stuck up like that). Concepts like personal space were obviously beyond the man's grasp. Only the knowledge of Kondou's half-witted nature and gorilla heritage kept the thoughts of violent retaliation at bay. He deserved pity, not punishment. For now. Apart from these small annoyances, Katsura could almost pretend they were nothing but a pair of strangers who happened to be going in the same direction.

On arrival at 'Battle Royal Host' family restaurant, Kondou hurried to open the door for Katsura. The jouishishi decided this deserved another look of rebuke. Upon receiving it, Kondou only smiled sheepishly. Katsura sighed. He didn't need this kind of chivalrous consideration from a cop, and it somehow only served to further irritate him. This was good though; he would hold on to these murderous feelings. They would come in handy in his future dealings with the gorilla.

Kondou didn't seem too concerned about the glares Katsura was sending his way, nor did he seem especially concerned to be seen sitting together with his nemesis when they were shown to a booth and slid in. As the waitress took their order and quickly brought out their food, Katsura himself reflected only briefly on the fact that this cheap restaurant was frequented by many people he knew. Worse than sleeping with Kondou would be people knowing he'd slept with Kondou. He wondered if anyone had noticed them leaving together last night. After breakfast he'd go make the rounds to suss out who knew what and then take care of any problematic elements.

Though he wouldn't mind if certain people would see them together here. Maybe an important official from the Bakufu? Fraternizing with the enemy? Ha, Kondou's head would roll. It would save Katsura the trouble. Kondou's assassination was still taking up space on his agenda that should have been reserved for more important Joui activities like Joui Laundry and Joui Grocery Shopping. It would be nice if someone came and put the gorilla out of his misery for him. He couldn't help but smile imagining it.

His eyes went to Kondou's neck. The finger shaped bruises he'd made there were covered up by the cravat of the Shinsengumi's uniform. He got the urge to reach over and pull the silk material down so he could take a peek at his handiwork. _Hmph, next time I should hold him down with my knee so he can't roll_, thought Katsura. _Or maybe handcuffs._ That would be poetic.

"You seem like you're feeling better," said Kondou.

Katsura dropped his dreamy smile to glare at the man sitting across from him. He was definitely going to have to deal with this pest himself. It was unlikely any high-ranking Bakufu official would come to such a dirty, cheap restaurant. Only stupid country bumpkin samurai like Kondou would frequent this place and further more bring a date here.

Ah, wait, a date? _This is a date?_ That didn't sound right.

"What's better?" said Katsura, deciding to save that debate for when Kondou wasn't sitting in front of him being irritating. Stupid gorilla, the least he could do was acknowledge his own role in causing Katsura all this distress. Instead he was acting like Katsura was just recovering from a long illness or something! "The only way I'll feel better is if we find a time machine. Ah, I think I finally understand Gintoki's feelings."

Kondou watched him, his chin resting in his hand.

"I can't build a time machine," said the gorilla. "But this can mean as much or as little as you want it to. Tell me what you want to do and we'll go with that."

"Obviously I'd go with the 'as little as possible' option," said Katsura, suddenly feeling substantially more annoyed. If the gorilla was going to go so far as to seduce him like this, then he should at least be serious about it. Kondou wasn't even making any kind of effort. He was just laying all the responsibility on Katsura like it was no big deal at all to the stupid Shinsengumi Commander.

_Look at this breakfast_, thought Katsura, stabbing discontentedly at the cold toast, small plate of soggy egg scramble and overcooked sausage before him. He wouldn't treat his enemies to such a pitiful breakfast, let alone the person he'd taken sexual advantage of. This was barely half a course! Where was the miso? Where were the rice and the tamagoyaki? Who could eat this plate of grease so early in the morning?

This breakfast didn't say 'I'm sorry'. This breakfast didn't say 'I was wrong'. This breakfast said 'get heart disease and die suffering'.

He shouldn't have been so stubborn about maintaining his irritated silence while the waitress was taking their order. This gorilla was useless. And surprisingly malicious. Kondou was supposed to be trying to make him feel better, not give him indigestion. Now he just felt cheap. No deadbeat piece of Bakufu scum was going to treat the famous Katsura Kotaro like this!

"Okay. Then it was just a drunken mistake. I don't mind pretending it never happened. I'm already over it," said Kondou. "No big deal."

"You… you weren't the one who… who… had things done to him all night!" said Katsura, making sure to blush real hard to preserve the illusion of modesty and stir up Kondou's guilt. "It is a big deal!"

"Oi, I was there just as much as you, and you did plenty to me too. So stop yelling at me when I'm just doing what you said you wanted. I know it's a big deal, I think so too! I was just trying to make you feel better!"

"That… you…," said Katsura.

"So, what?" said Kondou. "Are you changing your mind? Was it more than just something to forget? What do you want to do?"

"I… I don't know! Stop asking so many questions!" said Katsura scowling. He felt like he was being interrogated by this dirty cop. He was usually good at interrogations, but he couldn't seem to keep his composure this time. "Yes! Yes, it was more! Take responsibility for your actions!"

That sounded about right. That was how it was done in the dramas he watched anyway. Now, Kondou would be forced to make amends. In dramas that usually involved nineteen more episodes of emotional rollercoasters and love hijinks concluding in an elaborate engagement or wedding.

In this case perhaps Kondou could just become Katsura's errand boy for life. He didn't want to go even one more episode with Kondou, let alone nineteen, but he couldn't let Kondou get away with this so easily. His chastity had been so cruelly ripped from him; that was no small matter.

He was supposed to be living an austere, pure and righteous jouishishi life. Only a pure heart could defeat the filthy and diseased Bakufu. And now the gorilla had ruined him. Kondou had doomed the entire country all in one night, defiling an important hero like Katsura. He looked around the restaurant suspiciously.

Or maybe this was a Bakufu trap from the start. Gorilla warfare so to speak. The disgusting, immoral Bakufu had sent Kondou to demoralize him. Well, he'd show them. He wasn't demoralized at all! In fact he was happy! Revitalized even! He'd had a great time!

"It's not like I'm demoralized or anything, it's not even a big deal!" continued Katsura loudly, reversing course once more. "I'm very happy and revitalized! I had a great time and wasn't affected at all! I'm still the same Jouishishi I've always been. I'll never give up!"

"Uh… huh," said Kondou hesitantly, his eyebrows scrunching up to leave him looking even more like a clueless gorilla than usual. "Um, so… I can do that. Take responsibility I mean. If you want to be in a… a… c-committed relationship—" he continued while rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding Katsura's gaze.

Well, 'great time' was probably pushing it. As was 'happy'.

"Who said anything about a committed relationship!" said Katsura. The only relationship he would be having with Kondou now was that of master and indentured servant.

Katsura pushed the small plate of half-eaten food away from him and sat back, folding his arms over his chest. He turned his head haughtily, refusing to look at the bit of bad luck sitting across from him.

"Then what—"

"Offer me something better, if you want my forgiveness," said Katsura.

"Your forgiveness…?"

He turned back to look at Kondou once more. "Something like… you'll buy me soba for a year or hand over your government secrets. Or you'll dismantle the Shinsengumi or stay by my side at my beck and call and do as I say for the rest of our lives."

"That sounds like you're asking me to propose…," said Kondou. "I mean… if that's what you want… I… uh."

"What? No."

"Well, I mean if you want me to leave the Shinsengumi to stay by your side… that's… um…. I mean, Toshi would make a great Commander but… um…"

"Not leave, dismantle. _Dismantle!_ And I meant at my feet! Not by my side!" Why did the gorilla look so nervous all of a sudden? Now this was beginning to bother Katsura.

Wasn't Kondou the one who wanted a committed relationship, why shouldn't he propose? Not that Katsura would say yes or anything, but Kondou would be lucky to have a fiancé who was a full-blooded human let alone one so far out of his league.

"So… you're saying you want me at your feet… like to worship you? For the rest of my life?" Kondou was blushing now and looking even more nervous.

"That's right!" said Katsura getting fired up. He was fed up with the gorilla's wishy-washy attitude.

So Katsura was okay to use for sexual gratification but not good enough to marry? Not good enough to worship like the god he was relative to Kondou's lowly station in life? How dare a worthless gorilla like Kondou look less than ecstatic to make a catch like Katsura his bride! Or his idol!

"That's right. Worship me. Get on your knees like the dog you are," continued Katsura.

"Well, I guess… I mean yeah, I think I could get into that kind of play…."

"It's… it's not any kind of play, you degenerate!" said Katsura blushing, now with frustration.

"Then what is it?"

"It's penance," said Katsura. It was like talking to a… well, a gorilla.

"Why do I need to do that?"

Though, even a gorilla should have better communication skills than this. They even knew sign language these days, didn't they?

"To earn my forgiveness," explained Katsura.

"Why do I need your forgiveness? That's not something I want!"

"Of course you want it, after what you did."

"What did I do? We both did it, it wasn't just me. I don't know how you got it in your head that I'm sorry or something!"

"What do you mean you're not sorry!" said Katsura.

"I'm not sorry we had sex last night!" said Kondou.

"Shhh!" said Katsura as people around the restaurant started looking in their direction.

Kondou continued in a hushed, albeit agitated tone, "I'm not trying to apologize for anything! Actually, I really enjoyed it!"

Katsura blushed for the third time, this time out of plain old embarrassment. "It's not about enjoying it! It shouldn't have happened in the first place!"

"You're the one who propositioned me," said Kondou.

"You should know better than to go along with something like that," scolded Katsura. "Don't be so naïve. We're enemies. What if it was a trick and I was planning to assassinate you?"

"You DID try to assassinate me," said Kondou.

"I thought we agreed that that was your fault," said Katsura.

"I don't remember having that conversation."

"I decided for both of us while you were waiting outside."

"I see…," said Kondou. "You know, there's nothing _wrong_ with what we did."

"Everything about it was wrong. Maybe it's alright for moral-less country bumpkin samurai, but I don't know why you had to go and drag an upstanding citizen like me down with you into the depths of depravity."

Kondou gave him an impassive look. "Bullshit. What we did was perfectly natural for two adults to do. We BOTH enjoyed it, and that's how it should be. We don't have to be ashamed about it, and you don't have to be so defensive."

Kondou continued quickly as Katsura opened his mouth to protest. "That said, I get that you're upset. That's why I'm asking you what you want to do now."

"You're the one who seems to be the expert on this sort of situation. You tell me," muttered Katsura grumpily. Kondou's absolute acceptance was irritating. Couldn't Kondou read the mood? They were supposed to be horrified and embarrassed TOGETHER. Now Kondou was abandoning him, leaving Katsura looking like an overreacting fool. This gorilla was sneakier than he'd suspected.

"I'm not sure either. To be honest, I've never really gotten this far… the girls I've been with would have already walked out on me by now."

Of course they would. Who would want to be saddled with a gorilla?

"But… maybe we could see each other again. I mean, it doesn't have to be serious," continued Kondou. "But it might be fun."

It doesn't have to be serious? This sort of cavalier attitude was the worst. Rather than concluding with Kondou in the palm of his hand, why had this turned into some kind of sordid enemies with benefits kind of situation?

"It's not fun. It's immoral, cheap, and empty," said Katsura.

"It's not! It'll be fun, I promise! It's not empty. I mean, we could get to know each other a little. Get to understand each other. It doesn't have to be just sex. It couldn't hurt, getting to know the person you're fighting against."

Kondou was very persistent. _Must be the stalker in him_, surmised Katsura. It might not be a bad idea getting to know one's enemy like this. Feel out his weaknesses. Learn his secrets. Plant some bombs.

Wait a second, what was that part about 'just sex'? Kondou thought he was going to have sex with Katsura again? The gorilla was more delusional than he'd thought. Katsura was not the kind of man who would keep making the same mistake over and over again. And sleeping with that Bakufu dog could be nothing but a mistake. Maybe he could just string Kondou along at arm's length until he'd finished spying?

"Um, so what do you think?" said Kondou while Katsura dwelled in his thoughts. "It might be nice if we could get to a point where we're not trying to kill each other every time we meet, especially considering last night."

Speaking of killing each other, there was still that assassination to consider too.

"I mean, I would feel kind of awkward fighting against someone I've slept with," said Kondou.

The gorilla made a good point. But he didn't know how letting Kondou turn him into a sexual deviant like Kondou himself was going to help them understand each other, let alone make things less awkward.

"Maybe we'll even become friends," Kondou continued, with an encouraging smile. "It's not like we've never been friendly even before last night. We work pretty well together when we have to. And… well last night too. I think we were pretty compatible. So how about it? Wanna give it a try?"

The more he thought about it, Katsura began regretting his decision to stick around. He wasn't demoralized, but that didn't mean he should subject himself to further torture. The sooner he could forget this, the better.

A clever Bakufu plot was pretty farfetched, if the dumb, optimistic look on Kondou's face was anything to go by. And assassinating Kondou, while a fun idea, would just lead to that humorless, maniac, chain smoking Hijikata taking over the Shinsengumi. Katsura didn't need that so-called Demon causing him any more trouble than he was already.

And Kondou's idea to build some kind of friendship was just too naive.

Why was he even trying to get involved with an idiot like this? Was it really necessary to waste his precious brain cells thinking so hard for the sake of something so ultimately inconsequential? Maybe he should ask Elizabeth what to do. His friend had more experience with tawdry affairs.

Anyway, it was time to do what Katsura did best and make a run for it.

"I'm leaving," said Katsura, not caring one bit for whatever Kondou was going to babble on about next. He slid out of the booth and quickly headed toward the exit.

"Wait! Uh…," said Kondou. "I'll call you?"

Katsura stopped to narrow his eyes and glare at the gorilla one last time. "Don't you dare," he hissed before he turned and walked out the door.


End file.
